To Single Moms...on Father's Day

May 19, 2015 9:19:59 AM Kandice Dequeant Parenting


It is easy to look at your life and see a void—the space that society, families, and often our own hearts, tell us a man should fill.  As a single mom to a special needs son, I often question my ability to provide for all my son needs on my own, which turns my focus toward the “lack” in our lives. Single motherhood can be daunting, and overwhelming, but lift your head momma!  It only takes a shift of focus to recognize the gifts and opportunity of this season—Here are some tips that have helped me and I hope will bring you some relief as well!

  1. Select/Enlist positive male influences in you & your children’s lives. While you are no doubt a fierce woman, completely capable of making things work for your family—Don’t deny the unique differences males and females each bring to life. Thoughtfully choose positive and uplifting uncles, priests, sports coaches, or other men to invite into your lives and appreciate the gifts they bring.  

  2. Recognize, then release, the desires of your heart.  If you are feeling lack in your life it is likely because there is some unfulfilled desire.  Finding a partner, for instance--acknowledge your desire as a valid one, but don’t make it your life focus.  Rather, shift to working on yourself as a partner and trust that your mate will come when the time is right for both of you. 

  3. Realize that waiting and being single is not a punishment or torture. Having time alone in life to evaluate yourself and your desires can be revealing, and therapeutic if you only embrace it.

  4. Give yourself a break!  We are often our own worst critics.  Acknowledge and work to change the things that need change, but also give yourself credit for all you’ve done and continue to do for your family.

  5. Love yourself.  All living things grow by being nurtured—you are the same.  Love is an action, perform it with self care.  Read uplifting books, take bubble baths, and most importantly, forgive and speak kindly to yourself as you would a small child you love. Self love is the best way to build your capacity to care for others, and to recognize when you are not being treated with love and respect.

  6. Nurture supportive friendships.  You will have bad days.  Choose friends who will build and uplift you on those days rather than judging. Take time to cherish those friends.

  7. Be Grateful.  Whatever we focus on, we get more of…rather than remembering all the things you’re missing, focus on the many blessings you have.  Keep a list.  Find time every day to recognize your abundance, not only of material possessions, but things you’ve done well, the undistracted bonding time you get with your children, even the mistakes you’ve made that have prepared you to be better in the future. When we constantly direct our attention toward gratitude for all we have, it is very difficult to feel sad about the few things we don’t!

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